I have been debating writing/posting a blog about this for the past week. I've decided to move forward with the post because I want to share what I have learned this week, amidst all of the saddness and heartbreak I have been feeling. I also find writing rather theraputic, so I'm hoping this will help me out as well. I won't give a detailed account of everything that happened this week, but I will explain the things that led up to my "learning experiences."
As most of you have probably heard, my sister-in-law (Neal's sister) Angela passed away Monday, Feburary 4, 2013. It was completely unexpected, and came as a shock to all of us. Angela spent all of Sunday with family: we had Olivia's baby blessing that morning, and the evening she spent with Shauna watching the Superbowl. She seemed completely happy and healthy. She even told her parents at one point that she was feeling better than she had ever felt. We had absolutly no indication that we would get halfway through our day Monday before everything changed. Neal's mom called us around noon to tell us what was going on, and Neal answered the phone. I couldn't hear exactly what was being said, but I could tell something was wrong.
This leads me to learning experience number one: we will react in the way we are taught/trained to react. Neal immediately handed me the phone and went into what we call his "technician mode," packing up the things that were strewn everywhere since we had been staying at my parents' house. I immediately went into "dispatcher mode" while talking to Judy, trying to help her calm down until EMS arrived. We were packed up and ready to leave in about 7 minutes.
The second thing I learned this week is that even when we don't feel like we are making a difference or touching people's lives, we are. As soon as word got out about Angela's death, people started posting on her Facebook page about memories, and how much they would miss her. By the end of the day Monday, there were over 400 notifications for her page, and it just continued from there. We estimated around 800 people at her funeral. Numbers that astounded us, and that we know would have absolutely amazed her.
The third thing I learned was how grateful I am for the sealing covenant. I know that because of the sealing covenant, I get to see Angela again someday. I also cannot put into words my gratitude that I know if anything happened to Neal, I would be married to him for time and all eternity, and that death could not part us.
The fourth thing I learned is that I need to do everything I can, everyday, to be as worthy as I can be. I guarantee Angela had no idea she would be waking up in the arms of Christ rather than in her bedroom. She didn't have time to prepare or to think about it. This inspires me to do everything I can, each and every day, so that if someday this were to happen to me, I could look my Savior in the face and honestly tell Him I did the best that I could.
The fifth thing I learned this week is to love, unconditionally, and to tell people you love just how much you love them. Hug them, give them kisses, hold their hands, spend time with them, whatever you do, show your love. Don't worry about the small things that truly won't matter in five minutes, or even the next day. There are so many things I did not tell Angela that I truly wish I could have, and so many things I worried about that truly did not matter.
The sixth thing I learned this week is how protective I can get of Neal, but also how there comes a point when I have to let go of the control and allow things to happen. I would have given almost anything to take his pain and his worry away. I took the whole week off so I could be by his side every moment that he needed me. The few moments I was away from him were difficult for me (because I would have been able to protect him from his own emotions anyway...that's logical...). Tonight we both went back to work, and it was hard. I can't really explain why, but it was, and it was because of us being seperated instead of together.
Speaking of work, I learned I have one of the best jobs, and a lot of my reasoning for that is because of the people I work with. I texted the supervisor that I thought was on duty on Monday and even though she was on vacation, she still took care of all of my leave time issues. On Wednesday night Neal and Shauna and Kelsey and I were up making the slideshow, and I had multiple coworkers text me and talk to me for a little while, which was super comforting. We walked into the viewing on Thursday and saw a gorgeous floral arrangement from my "family at PECC," which I was not expecting at all. When I got back to work today I read an email from a coworker that described exactly how I was feeling, and it helped lighten my burden just a little. I truly have a second family at work :)
The last thing I have learned is how amazingly faithful my in-laws are. They both have been such a shining example to me through a very dark week. Yes, they are sad, but every word they have said, every action they have taken, has been with complete faith and trust in God. We don't have any answers, and there is a very real possibility that we may not get any answers in this life, and although answers would be nice to have, they have both made the comment that they are at peace and know that what has happened was God's will.
Throughout the week I was also reminded of many things that I knew already, but just needed a little confirmation. Some of these things are that the Lord blesses us with tender mercies (especially in times of trial), there are many good people in the world who are quick to serve, and that I love Neal more than I can put into words.
So now come the awkward part - the part where I need to end, but don't really know how (this always has been my weakness...my English teachers always loved my papers until the ending). So instead, I'll end with a song - a song that Neal and I have always loved, but that has even more meaning now.
Angela, we will be singing for you!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mkWJTlleSHg
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